How To Not Be A Jerk To Your Children While Going Through A Divorce

By Cynthia Netting, Psychotherapist

Ok, here’s the thing… Kids are sponges. They soak up everything! You teach them how to tie their shoes, how to spell their names, tell them their mom is a worthless liar, etc. Their brains aren’t mature enough to differentiate fact from opinion. I know you are going through a messy and hurtful time. Yet here I am asking you to not only survive it intact, manage to keep it together at your day job, and also do your darnedest to not mess with your children’s emotional well being. Woof. Tall order? Maybe. But it’s worth it.

So what does it look like to not be a jerk to your children while going through a divorce? Distill it to this: what do your children need to keep them safe, secure, and feeling loved? That is it, that’s the list.

The more you openly express the harrowing details of your divorce, the more you are exposing your children to chaos. Rather than lamenting to your son about how he needs to be a better man than his dead-beat dad, or telling your twins that their mother is a gold-digger, or warning your daughter that all men lie… Stop! Tell them that you know things might feel scary and uncertain. And you don’t know how long it will last for sure but it won’t last forever. Tell them that you love them deeply. Tell them that sometimes grown-ups have problems that feel so big that the best way out is to stop living together. And that even when that happens, that the kids are still and always will be, lovable. Tell them that you will do your very best to keep them safe and then makes choices that support that. Show that it’s ok to cry sometimes.

Don’t try and explain what motivates the other parent. No matter how much you think you knew him/her, you can’t speak for them. Instead, encourage your children to talk directly to the other parent… With one major caveat; under no circumstances should you use your child as a carrier pigeon. If /when they talk with the other parent, do not ask for a full report once they come home. That’s their relationship now. Respect it. Let your child know that if they ever feel in danger, to speak up. But beyond that (and I know this is tough!), you have no real involvement in what kind of relationship your child has with his/her other parent. Learn to get peace with that. Additionally, do not lie. Do not make promises (especially ones you can’t keep). And do not form alliances against the other parent.

Try to flash forward to when that young adult child of yours finds their way into my therapy office. What will they be telling me? “I have trust issues because my mom never dated again and said all men cheat.” Or “I think I can only be loved by people giving me gifts because that’s what dad did after the divorce.” Or will they tell me; “It’s tough to be vulnerable and be in a relationship, but I saw my parents act with grace, respect and honesty as they got divorced. It taught me how to lovingly communicate, confront and live authentically.” Now that’s definitely not a child of jerks.